Have you ever watched that one animated kiwi bird that does drugs for the first time and its entire world lights up? Well that’s how I felt the first time I stepped foot into a hostel as a single solo girl. Were the rose-colored travel beer goggles giving me 20/20 vision? Perhaps yes. But as someone who’s continued to stay at hostels for the past six years of my life, I think I can pretty confidently convey that there’s at least some reason that’s gotten me to keep coming back. And like a little kiwi bird drug dealer, I’d like to share some of my favorite tips that have kept me coming back in hopes that you’ll also find a reason to keep coming back.
Before I begin, I would just like to insert a short disclaimer: this may seem as one of those “do as I say, not as I do” pieces of literature. But I would like to encourage everyone to do their own independent research. One could argue I’m a martyr by all biblical standards, you know, sacrificing my own better judgement to perform these bad choices with only the sole intention of advising. So if you would feel empowered to peer review my facts, just remember. Like me, you’re just doing it for science, so it’s okay.
Now in no specific order (just importance and relevance), I betroth unto you with my solo drunk hostel girl survival guide.
Tip #1: Don’t hook up with the first person you meet
Hookups are like shoes – a good or bad pair sets the tone of the entire night, or trip. A good pair, and you’ll be tapping your red ruby heels thrice together, but a bad pair, and you’ll be wishing you stayed at home, with blisters to show for it for the rest of the trip, even if you throw them out early.
Now depending on the age demographic you’re speaking to, hostel hookups may or may not be overwhelmingly overrated and discouraged from literally everyone sharing your hostel room. But let me make one thing very clear, I’m not imparting any negative connotation on the inherent nature of hooking up in hostels. I’m merely advising not to hook up with the FIRST person you meet.
Just think about all the times you bought the first pair of heels you saw, and then regretted it after seeing a second or even third pair you liked more. Luckily boys in hostels are a little more transient than heels, if you don’t like your first pair, just move on to the next. But it’s a lot easier to make your next move, without the first one staring you down from across the kitchen.
However, fear not, just like shoes, if you do end up choosing the wrong pair, just throw them out and half the people, hopefully including him, staying at the hostel the next day won’t be there to remember anyway.
Tip #2: Always scope out the bathrooms
I’m a firm believer that travel is travel and vacation is vacation, and when I’m traveling, my standards for sleeping quarters are on par with that of my men. But, although I don’t have many, I do have a few standards (think no bed bugs, central air if I’m sharing a room with 12 people in 100 degree weather). But once those key “staying at this discount hostel won’t make me want to kill myself” points are fulfilled, I’m mostly just scrolling through reviews to make sure the hostel vibe aligns with mine.
At the end of the day, there can only be so many differences between Go! Hostel and Hostel Go!’s 12-person mixed dorms. Bathrooms, however, are a vastly different story. Say it with me “I will not fall into the ‘en suite’ trap. If you ever, ever book a hostel dorm with an en suite bathroom, I’m begging that you check and make sure the hostel has other toilets and showers for communal use. Because getting stuck in a twelve person room waiting in line to take your morning shit with one singular toilet/shower combo is not for the weak.
Tip #3: Be comfortable leaving that super uncomfortable group (and trust that you don’t want to be associated with them)
People rarely get LESS uncomfortable as you get to know them. And I don’t mean that slightly weird, eclectic kid that’s a little shy. I mean the kid who goes up to you and asks you what your type is and then proceeds to ask you to list the race of every person you’ve ever dated in your response that you don’t have a type. Or the kid you just met who sends you 20 messages throughout the night announcing the end of your friendship for leaving the rest of the group during the night. Or the kid vehemently defending why the porn industry is actually affirming for sex workers. Because you’re traveling solo and have free will to leave at any time.
Tip #4: Heels are (mostly) optional.
Shoes are like hookups – a good or bad one (or pair) sets the tone of the entire night, or trip. A good one, and you’ll be tapping your red ruby heels thrice together, but a bad one, and you’ll be wishing you stayed at home, with blisters to show for it for the rest of the trip, even if you throw them out early.
Unless you’re in a city that’s known for its luxury clubbing (think Dubai, Vegas, or Miami) or you have a specific luxury club in mind, if you’re a girl you’re not getting turned away for your footwear. Especially if you go with any hostel-coordinated bar crawls or clubbing, you can feel safe leaving the heels at home.
Tip #5: Don’t go looking for party favors, go looking for the Australians
They’re much easier to spot.
Tip #6: Bring a padlock with a flexible cable
The structural integrity of a hostel locker can be described as reminiscent of that of the structure of that fun little submersible that went down toward the Titanic with a bunch of billionaires. The panels of both don’t really ever align properly, and the materials are questionable at best at performing for their intended purpose. A nice structurally sound and thick metal padlock sounds good in theory, but when you get a locker that doesn’t align and can’t fit a metal bar, you’ll be regretting your $15 investment. (Take comfort though, that it’s slightly less than a billion dollar investment.)
Luckily for hostel frequenters, the hostel locker and a submersible serve two very different purposes.
Now in my experience, hostels aren’t particularly rampant for theft, and things typically left in the locker all day aren’t in high demand. Trust me no sober person wants your toothbrush or that shirt that you swear wouldn’t get so many outings without a wash back at home. And believe it or not, people at hostels are not out there to flip your 2015 Dell work laptop. I’m not saying it doesn’t happen, and there are some low stakes hot commodities and drunk kleptos out there. You wouldn’t want your drunk bunkmate stumbling in at 2AM stealing your phone charger, god knows it’s a whole thing having to go out and get drunk and come back to steal someone else’s to replace yours.
Padlocks with flexible cables are also great at locking your zippers together when you have to throw your backpack in one of those communal storage rooms when you’re hungover at 11AM checkout. Again, no one wants your dirty backpack, but if you don’t want someone accidentally rummaging through your dirty backpack in that Everest of dirty backpacks, a flexible lock is always an option.
Anyway, all this to say: In general, locks and lockers are really just there to slow down drunk idiots, or sober idiots who can’t tell the difference between their black backpack and yours. So we’re really going for flexibility over impenetrability here.
Tip #7: Pack outside the room
A lot of people say pack the night before you check out if you have an early flight to not disturb anyone, but personally if it’s my last night in a city, I don’t know what time I’m coming home. So if you miss your window of socially acceptable light-turn-on-ing in a room full of people, fear not – for the lobby is now your living room. Just gather your belongings as quietly as possible, dump them in the lobby and crinkle those plastic bags to your heart’s desire.
Tip #8: The RAG diet
If you’ve traveled long enough, you’ve definitely heard of the BRAT diet (hello Bali Belly). Let me introduce the RAG diet for an equally severe ailment – the crippling hangover.
Ramen (preferably with the seasoning on the side in a little baggy so you can throw that hoe away)
Apple
Gatorade (or the equivalent from whatever country you’re in)
And thus, I impart you with my indispensable knowledge from a girl who looks like she showers in sinks. And ignore the fact that I spent ¼ of the text real estate talking about a lock that’s one strong pair of scissors away from defeat.
Unchecked and Unhinged 